Things have changed and my world has moved on again.
Some things have changed here as well.
I'm still adapting but I think I'll be ok. Some good things, some not so good things and a few that may change who I am.
________________________________

Random BS

A Day Off
Finally!!! Not that I get to do much for fun. Once I'm done here I've got to clean. A LOT!. We're refinancing our mortgage to get away from the crazy bitch. The appraisal is Tuesday and I'm beginning to panic. I know a little clutter doesn't matter. They keep telling me that........but define clutter. I know what I think of as clutter is the rest of the worlds mess.

Dead Kittens in my Closet
No this is not some strange metaphor. There were real dead kittens in my closet. And I didn't know it until the smell hit me last night.
I've always figured if I'd end up the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood. I have 3 right now ButtUgly, Fezzik and Fuzz. Fuzz is the mother of ButtUgly. Fuzz is actually the mother of many. I can't seem to catch her between litters long enough to get her fixed. Well she got herself knocked up again and went in to labor on Tuesday. She chose my spare closet as her nesting spot. I've learned not to fight a laboring cat about nesting spots. I usually leave her alone the first few days then I'm all over the babies. I firmly believe that often handled kittens make better pets and so far I've been given no reason to not believe.

Well, last night Fred and I were talking in the kitchen as I cooked. He mentioned the new odd smell in the house and asked if I thought it might be a kitten. The light bulb came on! I'd been bitching to Ron for two days about a dead mouse in the walls DUH!! Can you say Dumbass?

Guess who got to clean it up? Four little babies that just were too small.

Got two left though!

The Second Job
Like I need to work more, right? I'm tempted though. It's just a part time bartenders job. There's something appealing to me about saying I'm a church secretary by day and a bartender at night. I like the balance. When I was very small like 4 or 5, I told my mom that I wanted to be a school teacher and work nights as a stripper. This was after I had watched a movie about Gypsy Rose Lee. Seemed like a good balance then too. I'm no longer stripper material so I guess this will have to do.

Eating Runts
Love those damn little fruity things. I hate that they added nasty ass raspberry though. I throw them away! Orange is my favorite then banana. I like to suck the little tiny bananas in and out my mouth in public and see who reacts.

Need to Dance
Tonight I need to hit the club. I need to sweat and grind. Lori and I go a few times a month to a place in the next state over. They like us because we're not afraid to make out on the dance floor. It's funny because after a few songs dancing together the closet bi's come out and we have a circle of girls dancing with us. And it does get nasty.

Anybody wanna come?
________________________________

I Need....

I need something. It's like having an itch right in the middle of your back that you
can't .......
quite ......
reach.
And you're alone. You rub against a door frame, stretch to touch it with a pen, wiggle and squirm but it's still there.

I try to meet the need head on, try to deny it's even there, then finally try to bring it to an end but I still
can't .......
quite ......
reach.

It's more than an orgasm. I can get there just fine alone, thankyouverymuch. What I need requires a partner. A certain touch that can make me scream and beg. Sweat dripping from my face and legs shaking.
_________________________________

Thank you

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."-- C.S. Lewis

Thank you everyone for the comments and the emails. I'm finding my peace.

I took advice and threw a temper tantrum yesterday. I think in some way I'm grieving the loss of this man while he's still with me. Denial, anger, fear and even some screaming at God. But I would not trade one minute of this to never have had him in my life at all. My reaction to his illness and decline has been a surprise to me. I've always been so sensible about these things. I just didn't see it coming.
________________________________

Feelin' A Wee Bit Hostile....

It's just one of those days
When ya don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked, everybody sucks.
You don't really know why
But you wanna justify rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away mother fucker!
It's just one of those days!

It's all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit lettin' shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
It's all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit talkin' that shit

It's just one of those days
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
Damn right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm fuckin' up your program
And if you're stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get fucked up
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker!
It's just one of those days!

It's all about the he said she said bullshit.
I think you better quit lettin shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
It's all about the he said she said bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit, punk
So come and get it

I feel like shit
My suggestion is to keep your distance
Cuz right now I'm dangerous
We've all felt like shit
And been treated like shit
All those motherfuckers, that want to step up


Thank You Limp Biskit well said!
_________________________________

The Straw...

I love the old man, my father in law, in a lot of ways he's more a father to me than my own dad. For 17 years he's been there for me, more for me that even his own son. Now I'm watching him die and it's ripping me to pieces. I know I'll be the strong one when the time comes. He's told me to look out for my mother in law. To make sure his sons don't fight over his things and make sure his "final arrangements" are carried out to his wishes. I know where he has money hidden and which things go to which person. He told me once that he wished I'd been his daughter.

He's talked about dying for years, quizzing me on things from time to time just to be sure I remember everything. It's different this time. He's scared and he's getting old before my eyes. I've teased him about being an old goat but in my eyes he never aged. Until now. He shakes and he's weak. It could be a month, it could be a few years but nothing will ever be the same again. I want him back the way he's supposed to be, the curmudgeon that has held us all together. I want to argue politics and religion with him.

I'm so angry! He's supposed to always be there damn it!

I'm so scared, he's supposed to always be there.
_________________________________

Cranio-rectal Extraction

Better known as "gettin' my head out my ass".

I'll be back to explain further in a few days.

Please pray, sent good thoughts, burn a candle or whatever according to your particular spiritual/personal beliefs.

Do women go through mid-life crisis?