Two Cents Worth
Sunday, May 01, 2005
From May 2005
Damn, I Hate to Be Predictable






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Friday Humor....

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady ."
Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? " "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly."
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?""Ninety-eight." she replied."
Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

AND


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in.

"P....E....N....I....S.."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****
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Stolen From Idunna Who Stole it From Nikki Who Stole it From Someone Else

Name: Twocents (like I’m really going to put my name here but I’ll give you a hint…my real name starts with a C)
Gender: Female
Location: Maryland United States
Height: 5’8” barefoot
Hair color: Dark red
Eye color: Green
Is your hair long or short: Shoulder length
Tattoos you have: A dolphin over my left breast

S C H O O L
Are you still in school: No, but I’m seriously thinking about going back this fall.
Favorite subject: Biology
Least favorite subject: History
Did you buy lunch or bring it: I used my lunch money for cigarettes in high school. Didn’t eat much while in college.

F A V O R I T E
Number: 13
Clothing : Jeans and boots
TV show: I don’t watch TV.
Fruit: Pears
Movie: Matrix or Fight Club
Scent: Lavender or Fresh Linen
Ice Cream Flavor: Vanilla (Ironically)
Color: Purple
Season: Fall
Holiday: Halloween
Thing in your room: Antique floor length mirror
Author: Stephen King
TV channel: Again…I don’t watch TV
Shape: Round
Time: Midnight
Disney character: None
Scary movie: The Jeepers Creepers movies crack me up. The Exorcist still gives me nightmares so I’ll never watch it again.

T H I S O R T H A T
Hot or cold: Cold
Winter or summer: Winter
Spring or fall: Fall
Black or white: Black
Orange or red: Red
Yellow or green: Green
Purple or pink: Purple
Cell phone or pager: Cell
Powerpuff Girls or Charlie’s Angels: Oh gag…. neither!!!

Y E S O R N O
Are you a vegetarian: I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
Do you like cows: For dinner yes.....otherwise they scare me a bit.
Are you a bitch: I can be if needed.
Are you artistic: So I’ve been told.
Do you write poetry: Not any more.
Can you ski: Nope
Are you British: No
Are you straight: No
Are you evil: No!

P R I V A T E
Have you ever been in love: Yes
Do you smoke: Yes
Do you smoke weed: Nope not any more. (Ron’s in law enforcement)
Crack, heroin, anything else: Had a nasty pill habit in school.
Beer good or beer bad: Beer is bad
Are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: Wine coolers suck.

T H E L A S T
Thing you ate: Star-Kist Fruit Gems
Thing you drank: Diet Mountain Dew
Place you went: Work
Thing you got pierced/tattooed: My left breast
Song you heard: Your Body is a Wonderland – John Mayer
Person you instant messaged: Ron
Person you laughed with: The boss

N O W
What are you eating: Nothing
What are you drinking: Diet Mountain Dew
Any shoes on: Yes
Hair: Banana clip
Listening to: Everybody Wants You – Josh Kelley
Talking to anyone: Nope

L A S T
Last Cigarette: About an hour ago
Last Alcoholic Drink: Can’t remember but I’m drinking tonight.
Last Car Ride: Last night, just to think
Last Good Cry: Good cry? What's that?
Last Library Book: Switcheroo – Olivia Goldsmith….and it’s WAY overdue!
Last book bought: A new copy of The Grapes of Wrath, I wore out my old one.
Last Book Read: Stephen King – Song of Susannah
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Star Trek Nemesis
Last Movie Rented: Meet the Fockers
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Motherfucker
Last Phone Call: The boss (Pastor) called.
Last TV Show: I can’t remember
Last Time Showered: Bedtime last night.
Last Shoes Worn: Old white sneakers that I’m still wearing.
Last CD Played: Rob Thomas – Something to Be
Last Item Bought: Cigs and soda
Last Download: Rose graphic for a work project
Last Annoyance: Dog piss on the floor
Last Thing Written: This list
Last Key Used: Office door
Last Sleep: Last night
Last Ice Cream Eaten: A Blue Bunny ice cream sandwich on Saturday
Last Chair Sat In: Desk chair
Last Webpage Visited: Idunna
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Hey Helen.....
  1. What/who is the longest friendship you have ever maintained?
  2. What do you love most about your job? Hate the most?
  3. Do you think you’re more like your mom or dad and why?
  4. Where would you go and what would you do on your dream vacation?
  5. You have said “Women, on the whole, intimidate me”. Specifically what intimidates you and why?

Blog-A-Thon Instructions:Here’s how it works:Leave a comment saying "interview me" if you’d like to be interviewed. I’ll respond by asking you 5 questions here. They’ll be different than those above. Update your blog with your answers to the questions. When you do so, include this same explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same manner. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you’ll ask them five new questions.

Go here for her answers

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Rumors of My Demise have been Greatly Exaggerated!

I'm still here.
Life is still being a bitch in places and damn sweet in others. We put Meenie back in the hospital on Monday and now we're looking at some long term residential facilities for her. She just need more care than we can provide right now. I'm a good mom but I'm not a doctor/psychiatrist/councilor/...etc. Her illness felt like a failure to me for a while, like maybe if I'd just been BETTER this wouldn't be happening to her. I think I'm a little more accepting this time. Her illness has rippled over my life in places I didn't even think about though. Money is tight from having to run up and down the road to see her, eating meals on the run. My house looks like a hurricane ripped through and I have laundry piled all over the place. I just don't have time to get anything done.


Helen, I'll have your questions over the weekend
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Is it Friday Yet?

At 85 years of age, Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
Luanne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Luanne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

AND


For those with No children---this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age---this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age---this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age---this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children---this is birth control.

Things I've learned from my children
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
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Questions and Answers

Buffalo
1. When was the time you felt the best about yourself and why?
2. In your opinion, what are the high and low points of blogging?
3. What is your favorite cartoon character?
4. What would you most like to accomplish in this lifetime?
5. I always cry (actually sob) at fireworks. Do you have any unusual emotional reactions to specific things?


Elijah
Rule number one. Don't talk about Fight Club.

That said, I loved the movie and the book. If I were a man I would fight, I'd be one of the fools running around black and blue. There is primal need to beat the living shit out of something and men have become overly domesticated anyway. (bet I hear about that one!)

Of course, I like Quentin Tarantino movies too so what do I know......
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Highs and Lows

1. Meenie will be released from the hospital on Wednesday evening. The new meds are beginning to quiet the voices in her head. We're hoping she can return to school soon but I'm not sure she's ready yet. I feel like her hospitalization has been a good thing in many ways. We have a better sense of what we're dealing with, the family has gotten a break and she's gotten the counseling and medical supports she's been needing.

There's a part of me that is afraid. Not of her but for her. She may not be able to cope in the real world and that's not something I've ever wanted to consider for her. My daughter is hurt somewhere that I can't reach to kiss. It makes my heart hurt and fills me with rage. I want to hit some one, make them hurt like this too. I suspect she was molested as a little girl but I can't prove it. She doesn't seem to remember but there's something, mother's instinct maybe. Or maybe I'm looking for an explanation or just some one to blame.

I told some friends of ours who have a similarly disabled child that the doctors need to medicate the entire family when a child is diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder.

2. For the first time in years my husband and I are actually "together" rather then the roomies we were 6 months ago. He's grown so much in the last few weeks I feel like some days my old husband has been replaced with my personal version of a Stepford Husband. He said "Oh you want me to lead then? You want me to be the D to your s? " And then he started to change. He says that he feels more confidence, that he really likes the new us. I think in some ways I've had a harder time adapting. In fact I've gotten my figurative and literal ass smacked more that once for forgetting who's in charge these days.

I feel so soft and feminine. He's picked out new clothes for me. Sexy things and soft girlie things. He had me color my hair to cover the grey because he says I'm too young for them. But more than anything I feel pretty.

The sex has been amazing but that'll have to wait. I've got to get back to work now.

3. I'm going to spend the next few days catching up on my blogreading and getting caught up here. I've missed reading everyone and I think I owe Buffalo some questions. (If your still interested.)

Hugs and kisses ya'll.
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Friday Humor...Several Days Late!

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy? Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted....

AND

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer?Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Notes from the Funny Farm

Meenie's still in the hospital. I've made 3 road trips there in 4 days. It's an hour and a half away so most of my weekend was spent in a car. She didn't have a good weekend at all but is doing better today. Saturday night she ended up sedated and in the quiet room. Same thing for Sunday night. She was biting herself, writing on the walls and slamming her body into the glass to try and get out. Last night she did ok so she was given some privileges back. The doctors are playing with her meds and have added an anti-psychotic called Abilify. It seems she may have schizophrenia. She's told the doctor that some times she hears voices that tell her to hurt herself or to hurt others. Fucking wonderful! If the new meds do the trick she should be home by the end of the week.

A lot of her anger is directed to Fred. I'm really worried about him. He says he understands that it's her illness saying those things (ie: she wants to kill him!) but the poor kid is 14. It's a lot for me to comprehend so how the hell can he get it.

I want to thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I cried when I finally got here to read them. I never knew there were so many loving people in the world. It means so much just to know that I was missed.
posted by twocents @ 12:00 AM   0 comments
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Name: twocents
Home: Maryland, United States
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