Two Cents Worth
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Into the Sunshine
The sun is shining. Not outside, in here where I am. I think I've made it through to the other side once again. The bitch had me for awhile. The one that wants me to die. She waits for me to get tired or lonely or hurt, then she'll pounce. I think she's getting weaker. She didn't fight as hard this time and she won't be back anytime soon, I hope.
I'll admit it finally, I have chronic depression. Yes, I could medicate it away but when I do I lose part of me too. I spent two years feeling nothing. Not sad or happy or angry or love. Nothing. Just can't do that again. So I'll keep fighting her. Drowning out her lies in my head with white noise. Lalalalala...hear that bitch? That's me. I'm getting stronger. Smarter too.
posted by twocents @ 12:21 PM   4 comments
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The Ride


I'm up, I'm down, I'm up again. The loops are a real bitch!

I'm in more desperate need of medication than any thirty-something white woman in history.

I tear up over EVERYTHING!

We had a setback, I cried.

He got a little better, I cried.

He sat up....you got it....water works.

He won't eat his Jello unless I feed it to him. I cried....later.

I read my comments. Yup, they got me too.

I think I might be dehydrating.

Thank you, so much more that I can say.

posted by twocents @ 2:07 PM   1 comments
Friday, January 20, 2006
Time
It's been eight days since my last post. Seems like 2. Time is distorted. I miss my friends, the ones on both sides of this screen. I'm just not able to hold up my end of the bridge right now. If they lay down their end too, I can't blame them.

The Old Man had his surgery yesterday. What was supposed to be a triple by-pass became a quadruple. He is still on the ventilator and isn't very responsive. Time will tell. He may also need to be on dialysis for awhile. At some point in the future he'll need to have a pacemaker installed. Then after that they want to figure out what the unknown mass in his lungs really came from, cancer or asbestos exposure. His body is just so worn out. Of course, if he survives all of the medical procedures he may never die.

I spent 12 hours at the hospital. Two of them in the ER with Meenie. She announced in the middle of school that if her grandfather died she was going to kill herself. While I needed to be with my husband and mother-in-law I was busy convincing a "crisis" councilor that Meenie wasn't really a threat to herself, She just needed to come to grips with reality. Some time after that I not so gently told my daughter the same thing. It hurt her. It hurt me to have to do it but she has to grow up now.

Tomorrow I start my new second job. It'll only last through tax season but the next few weeks are peak and I'm on call several nights.

I am the strong one.
I am so fucking tired.
posted by twocents @ 1:30 PM   5 comments
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Stolen
Your 2005 Song Is

Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz

"Love forever love is free.
Let's turn forever you and me."

In 2005, you were loving life and feeling no pain.



I swiped this from Tiger 'cause it's just too COOL!
posted by twocents @ 12:28 PM   1 comments
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
January 11 and the Year Already Sucks!
I am alive but well is an other issue.
We admitted my 78 year old father in law to the hospital on December 28th. He had pneumonia and then a heart attack while the paramedics were getting him out of the house. I went to the hospital with him in the ambulance because my mother in law was more concerned with taking the fucking dog out to piss than being with her husband. I know that's probably not fair. I'm sure she was coping the best way she could. I'm still pissed however.
He had a double bypass done back in '74 so once they got the infection beat back a bit the doctors wanted more cardiac testing. The catheterization showed 60%-100% blockage in 4 main vessels. His heart is working at 20% capacity. We all decided to go for a second bypass to replace the old grafts and repair some new blockage but first more testing. The CT scan found cancer in his lungs. Just fuck me running. We're waiting for the surgeon to figure out what type of cancer we're dealing with so we know if it's safe to open him up.
There is so much shit going on with the family politics that I can barely function. My brother in law is an ass and his wife is a money grubbing bitch. That's being nice. My mother in law is the pacifist and my husband is in denial.
New Years was spent with friends and a bottle of Captain Morgan. I'm not really sure which one made me feel better.
Please send more Captain!
posted by twocents @ 8:47 AM   5 comments
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Name: twocents
Home: Maryland, United States
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