Yes I took a time out. My blogging needs have changed. I haven’t found my sense of security here. We shall see what becomes.

I’ve been watching myself a lot lately, a sort of scary introspection. Some things I like and some I don’t. I tend to look at the grass being greener on the other side. I’m working to learn to be happy with what I have. It’s not like I shouldn’t try to improve myself or my circumstances, it’s more like figuring out that many of the things I have in my life right now are exactly what I need. Not always what I want though.

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

I moved here a few months ago because someone in my community was reading the “OTHER” blog. I had been getting hits from 2 local ISP’s. One of them was my husband at work. I still don’t know who the other was. I’m afraid he’ll follow me here. I moved all of me over because I just couldn’t bring myself to delete it. He’s my husband, I shouldn’t hide from him. I want it to be different but ….I’m not sure he can understand me, or maybe worse would be finding out he doesn’t want to, that he doesn’t care to know all that goes on in my mind.

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Next to my bed, on the closet door, is a floor length mirror. It’s very old, very beautiful and came with the house. I’d never think about removing it. But the truth is I’m a little afraid of it. It’s fine during the day, doesn’t bother me a bit. At night, once I turn out the lights, I can’t look at it. I’m afraid of what I’ll see looking back at me. I undress with my eyes closed and if I get up to pee in the night I keep them closed until I’m back in bed. What the hell is that about?

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I bought new clothes. For some reason I suddenly have a need to wear pinks. I have jeans that really fit me for the first time in ...well maybe ever. Ron insisted I get them. I've always bought my clothes at thrift shops and yard sales. I'm cheap and poor what can I say! He took me shopping last week, gave me a budget and said have fun. Did I ever! This new pair of Levi’s makes my ass look amazing.

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We spent an evening with Bob and Lori last weekend. I spent most of it naked and chained to the ceiling. It was a good thing. There is something about being objectified that sets me flying. I'm finding that I can not orgasm with out some level of pain. I don't know how I feel about that. I still have a few lovely bruises though. I need so much more. I could learn to live in that space.

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The Old Man has been in and out of the hospital twice in the past two weeks. Congestive heart failure and pneumonia. It hurts to watch some one you love slowly die. I guess that's all we are doing every day. We begin dying the moment we are born.

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People who mispronounce words drive me insane.

Corporal Tunnel and the Prostrate....grrrrr