The Disclaimer
It’s been in my mind awhile now to write this and I kept putting it off. It’s just one of those things I don’t mention in polite conversations. No, it has nothing to do with sex… those things I’ll tell you about in minute detail…no shame there. This is more personal. Maybe if I print it in really small letters… here goes….
I’m a Christian.
Woo that was hard.
See I avoid saying it cause I don’t want to be associated with those people. For years I told every one I was an atheist just so I wouldn’t be thought of as one of them, those nosey judgmental bible thumping freaks. You know the type. I never stopped talking to God the whole time though. I work in a Lutheran (ELCA) church these days. Proof for me that God has a sense of humor.
Now that I’ve gotten that out it the open please let me say…I don’t care about your spiritual beliefs. I’m not going to try to “convert” you. I don’t want you to change in anyway. If I say I’m going to pray for you and prayer offends you, please kindly change the word to something that suits your life. My intentions are good. If I happen to say God and you don’t like that then read it as Buddha, Allah, Bob (love that one) or freakin’ snickerdoodle. I don’t care. My beliefs are mine. I have no opinions about your morality and mine would shock most of the people I know.
Thank you for allowing me to come out of the closet… for the second time in my life.
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My inner child is six years old!
Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
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I'd rather be in bed.
Legs intertwined.
Drifting up from sleep
Wiggling in just the right way to get your attention,
cause ya know...
I need some attention too.
Spooned, thighs touching,
front to back.
A moan
A stretch
"Oh I'm sorry did that wake you?"
Arch of my back
Rise of my hips
"Oh, you are awake aren't you!"
Yes...
you...
are...
oh ...
yes...
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PMS
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Pack My Stuff
....and my favorite one..
12. Potential Murder Suspect
And as an example
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry. What was your question? _______________________________________________________
Happy Half Mile
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes.
Since the average length of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse.
The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually.156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
So, are you getting your half mile every year?
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 I'm gone... outta here. Leaving first thing in the morning for Ocean City, MD. Beaches and Bikes! Hell yeah and don't forget the bikinis!
0 kids + 2 men+ 2 women / 2 beds = 3 days of sun and surf , 2 nights of freaky lovin'.
Any one care to join?
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No One Has to Die...This Time.
The computer is reformatted and running fine. I lost a few things but the majority was backed up. No great loss. Thank you all for the support. I'm not too particular about most things but apparently I am more protective of my computer than I realized.
Now on to the WTF of the day Inventor denies using dead cats for fuel "I’ve never used cats and would never think of that. At most the odd toad may have jumped in.”
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There is a Reason it's Called a PERSONAL Computer!!
I know in my mind he didn't break it or deliberately harm it in anyway. But my heart thinks otherwise. It's screaming Monster! and Killer! I know that he feels responsible for the loss and is trying to "fix" it for me but I really wish he's get the FUCK OFF MY MACHINE! I AM the computer person in this family. You know nothing. Don't call your friends. They know nothing. It's my machine. My baby. I'll nurse it back or euthanize it as I see fit. Just because I have TITS does NOT mean I'm tech incompetent! If I need a professional opinion I'll hire one. Your buddy Jimmie Bob does NOT count as a professional just because he sells so called rebuilt computers. I've cleaned up his work twice now. He IS AN IDIOT!!!! Thank you.
Now kindly remove your hand from my mouse and get out of my way.
Sigh
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Some times it takes me a while to think things through. I have to turn it in my mind, touching the little edges and burrs, really feeling the texture and heft.
Buffalo wrote an entry over the weekend called The World is Gray. I read it that day and then again several times over several days. I had to find my point of reference I suppose. It was just so fresh in my mind that I had come through my own gray.
Please go read it. I'll wait.
The thing about the gray is that it can be comforting in it's own way. It's soft and sheltering and no one much bothers you when you're there. No one really knows how to get that beacon in to you even if they have been in the gray themselves. It's a personal space all your own. Days run together in the gray, you don't know the time or the place when the light will find you again. It's hard to remember when you're in the gray what light looks like or that it will fine you again.
Then one day....the sun shines and colors glow. You know the gray will be back but some how it doesn't matter in that perfect moment.
And then all too soon
"The world is gray. The world is silent. The world has no flavor. You call out in anguish until your voice is hoarse. Slowly, haltingly, timidly, fearfully you begin to search. After an eternity you see a dim light. Your heart leaps, and then slows again. Do you go toward the light or do you go away from it."
Yes, I go for the light.
Every Time.
Some times those perfect moments are all that keep me alive.
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It's Alive!!
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